Taking away the 'just'...

I have realized that often the way in which I think of and describe myself has the word 'just' in it.

Let me explain.

You see I am 'just' a relief teacher.

I am only 'just' married.

I am 'just' someone who writes in their spare time.

I am 'just' a recreational photographer.

And these are pretty direct statements about the things I do. I also use the word 'just' way to often to describe who I am as well. The word just in these cases can be replaced by other words such as 'only' and 'not'.

I am only young.

I am not very experienced.

I am not as creative/hard working/ intelligent as some. 

But back to the word 'just'. The other day I realized with some clarity that I use this word way to often to describe myself. Especially when I am at work and so often when I am comparing myself to other people.

It is as though I am degrading myself to not good enough, a step below the average and clearly underneath those around me.

But why do I do this? Why do we we all do do this from time to time?

I'd like to say I am trying to be modest, but that I am sure is a crock of silliness. If I were being modest I wouldn't be so emotionally affected by the fact that I actually don't feel up to scratch.

I'd like to play the victim and say I just don't believe in myself enough and I am wonderful and should see my full potential... but even that, as good and as true as it is rings with an air of individualistic pretension and I don't think is sustainable in the long run in keeping the 'just's' out of my vocab.

I know that I have worth, that I am wonderful and am not 'just' anything... I know that, know that, know that.

But how do I allow that knowledge to soak through my skin and pulse through my veins so that it is a n everyday part of me. How do I clear all that 'just' thinking from my mind?

There needs to be a commitment, a discipline in maintaining our sense of self as creative, affecting and brilliant 'where we are and where we are going' type of people. And that sense of self needs to be linked to more than our self, in needs to be linked to others, to the earth and nature and our spirit (boy I sound like a hippy)

I think it takes practice, and part of that practice is to physically, mentally and emotionally not accept words like 'just' into our vocabulary. Those limiting and self doubting ideas that permeate into our hearts and minds must be stopped with strength and conviction. We must reject them and shoo them away into the dark corners that they came from.

And we need guidance and support from those who love us to help us through that paradox that we should accept who we are and be proud of this, but also be seeking to grow further into who we are, change into ourselves. With only our own view of ourselves we are limited to the ways in which we can grow, love and live in this life.

So practice rejecting the 'justs' in your life.

Just as I am doing.

I am a teacher.

I am a writer.

I am a photographer.

But most importantly... I am loved.

Fun Part 2

So I wrote the blog 'Fun' and set off to see some friends with a new resolution to truly have fun.


I knew this would have to be a way of thinking as much as it would be seeking out actual fun.


And of course, as life goes, straight away I got to practice having fun... no matter the circumstances.


Only two minutes away from home, holding my home made pumpkin dip, thinking of all the fun things Sam and I were going to do with our friends, the gear box breaks half way up a hill. 


The car revs into nothingness and eventually conks out dead. Sam arm wrestles with the stick which is stubbornly staying as still as a stobie pole.  The gear stick wins as Sam cannot budge it much past a few millimetres. 


The quietness is enveloping as we look sidewards at each other with expressions that resemble slight disgust.


We are stuck.


Rolling awkwardly backwards down the hill we attempt to park the car as far off the road as possible.


'Yay' I think shakily and unconvincingly 'what fun'. 


The irony of the situation doesn't pass me by, as feelings of boring frustration creep over my shoulders like the darkness that is blanketing the sky around us. 


So much for fun!


But then I realise that the best way to grow my fun muscle is to use it. Practice, practice, practice....right? So I decide to flex it with a few games, and see if a little silliness might not get Sam and I feeling a little happier.


With the RAA called and equipped with the knowledge that help is an hour a way we begin a very innocent game of 'eye spy' (Sam and I choosing more abstract things such as dust and oxygen to make the game more adult friendly - although I said K and was thinking keys and it took Sam aaageeesss to guess it even though he was continually jangling his keys and banging them on the steering wheel in frustration.) continued by blinding flashing photos with my phone of us looking like stunned possums in headlights and laughing at how truly silly we looked!! Followed by jokes and discussions of reasons why something like ones gear box falling out of their car could STILL be a positive thing. 


We then got told by the RAA that it would be another hour till the tow truck arrived.


More shaky 'yeeeayys' fill my head as I suppress the desire to be sarcastically rude to my positive/fun self. 


I have to admit I had my low minutes, when it was cold, it was dark and getting late and I could start to see actual possums walking around outside like little rat-warriors of the night.  


But Sam and I persisted in our positiveness and soon enough I was home again, warm, with a cuppa and watching the Oscars.


So all in all not the worst night. AND I will admit, we did have some fun, and there was definite spontaneity in it all.


But hopefully tomorrow night we'll get free tickets to some incredible stand up show down in the city, have a joy ride on a speed boat, dress up cats in frilly pant suits, slide down a really really long slide,  sumo wrestle in those sumo suits you always see on TV but never in real life... and dance the night away with friends. 


So much more actual fun than being stuck in a broken down car for two and a half hours in the dark.


That would be nice.